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Diamonds are Forever

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posted by Jay on September 14th, 2009 at 8:08 PM

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Bond, James Bond. I flew to my very first offshore drilling rig from Dyce Heliport in Aberdeen, Scotland to the Shetland Islands north of Scotland and from there to the rig way up north inside the Arctic Circle. This was the “West Venture”, a drilling rig built by Smedvik Drilling of Oslo, Norway. This was the largest semi-submersible drilling rig in the world in 1973 or so they claimed. These dudes had an ice cream machine in the recreation room and one in the cafeteria or galley. They showed new movies every day. I had come to Scotland from Saudi Arabia and it wasn’t quite this nice in the desert. I ain’t no midget and finding a car in Europe is very hard for big guys. I was actually trying cars on just like you would a pair of shoes. You may think that I’m crazy but this is the truth. My shoulders were so wide they would fill up the front of most British automobiles. I would have had to smear on a bunch of grease and use a shoe horn to get in most of these things. The gasoline in Scotland was $2.75 a US gallon in 1973. You have to drive on the wrong side of the road so you had better be comfortable while you attempt that. I was watching “Diamonds are Forever” where James Bond got into Mr. Frank’s (the bad guy) Triumph Stag at the hovercraft ferry in England to drive to The Hook of Holland. He then drove the Stag to Canal Street in Amsterdam where Jill St. John had the diamonds in the chandelier. This would fit for sure. I had a pocket full of money that I had won in a poker game Saudi Arabia and it was burning a hole in my pocket. I drew aces back to back, one face up and one face down while playing “Two or Twenty-Two” a high/low split pot game. This is the best hand that can you can get. You are going to win the entire pot. You have won both the high and the low pots. Then everybody stayed in and as luck would have it they fought for the high hand, not knowing that I had it nutted. I bet the pot at them every chance I got and I got a bunch of chances to raise. They didn’t care because they were all going for the high pot, they thought that I had the low side won, but not both ways. This was the “Mother Load”. It came down to where Jim said, “I guess we split it?” I said “no that I think I have aces back to back” and if he wanted to find out he would have to call the pot bet that I just bet at him. Jim called the bet with a check and his Aramco badge that guaranteed the check at an Aramco Bank. He was the guy that was in jail in Gonzales when I did his jail time working in the Rub’ Al Khali. Thanks Again to Jim and all the boys in Saudi. What a car. The one I bought was the only one in Aberdeen at the time. It had power windows, hard top, soft top, three two barrel carburetors, v-8 engine, five speed transmission with overdrive, real wood everywhere and leather buckets. This little jewel was hard loaded and without a doubt the coolest car in Aberdeen. Bond, James Bond. Nobody could be this cool except maybe Elvis. Gold Rolex with a diamond bezel and face, Diamond Puzzle Ring, Exotic Skin Boots, Ray Ban Sun Glasses and to complete this picture would be a Halliburton brief case. One time after drinking a very long lunch, me and this other idiot were cruising down Union Street chatting up the Cabaret dancers from the Imperial Hotel that were riding a bus to work. I was looking at the girls when this guy stepped in front of the car and I hit him hard. Dave was sitting in the front seat when this pedestrian went way up in the air after I hit him with the car. Dave looked at me and said, “I think he is going to get it.” Dave could just barely talk. He had just about lost the mother tongue due to heavy consumption. Actually the poor guy missed the car by about three or four feet, but he really did do a couple of pretty good flips before he hit the ground. He didn’t bounce that I could see. It sounded like a tub full of guts hitting the floor. We didn’t have the top on the car. There was whisky spilled all over the place. I got out of the car thinking that I had just killed this guy and would spend the rest of my life in a Scottish prison. He was an old man and was trying to stand up as I came around the car. When I got to him I realized he was drunker than I was. He was felling absolutely no pain. We laughed and he said that he was just fine and left walking with just a little limp and waving happily as he walked down Union Street into the crowd. The party continued at the Imperial Hotel with the cabaret dancers. It is a shame but it always works the same way. There is always one guy that buys the cool car and then loses his driver’s license with a DWI. You can honestly do a pool bet on it. It isn’t WILL it happen, it’s WHEN it will happen. I kept my ability to drive for about three months. Everyone warned me but just like everyone else I didn’t listen. I had my solicitor plead that I was temporarily dead at my hearing. The doctor said that there was enough alcohol in my blood to kill me. The judge didn’t think that was very funny and fined me $100.00 and suspended me from driving in Scotland for 18 months. They couldn’t suspend my license because I didn’t have one. With the price of gas like it was and the way we partied, I believe that Scotland did me a big favor in helping me to decide to sell the Stag.
Dumb Butt, Bob Dumb Butt

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